1. Taking control of who you are BEING begins with becoming aware of what you are doing right now; the way you talk to yourself, the way you respond to others, and the actions you take.   Try to make a mental note of how positive you are being.  Do you accept or judge?  Do you forgive or hold grudges?  Do you expect the worst or appreciate all that you have and all that others do?

Are you being more Positive or more Negative in your relationships?

2. It’s important to understand that you get back what you put out.  If you want a more open and honest relationship, you need to be more open and honest.  If you wish others would just speak their truth and stop avoiding or beating around the bush, you need to be willing to go there yourself.  You also need to be willing to listen and not judge when that person is being straightforward with you.  Otherwise they’ll never continue!  So what is important to you?

What values do you hold dear and are you living up to them yourself or just demanding of others?

3. Pick a positive action, emotion or expression and then use it as often as you can for the next week. Adding positive emotions to the relationship system can only have a positive affect. Next week you’ll have had so much success you’ll want to try another!  Here are a few to choose from: Appreciation, Acknowledgment, Forgiveness, Acceptance, Gratitude, Respect, Affection, Giving of your Time without expecting anything in return, Being present with your loved ones (not watching your phone for calls, texts, emails, twitters or anything else!)

A few trickier and more challenging skills to work on are Active Listening, Being Open to Influence (not steadfast in your opinion with your fingers in your ears!), and sharing your thoughts and feelings with the intention to inform, not control in any way.

What is ONE positive action, emotion or expression you can share today with your loved ones?

5. We all have a sense of what is working and what is not working.  Be open to change if something is not working and to be more in line with your values.  You won’t lose your identity; you’ll lose all the roadblocks to a genuine, honest relationship.

What are you willing to do for your relationship?

As always, I am here to help.  Give me a call to set up a free consultation and let’s get your life on track!

Monica 203-209-5462.

Also, look for my main life coaching website: www.NewStepsLifeCoaching.com

Wanted: Intelligent conversation!! I am a blogger begging for conversation, so give me comments I can get engaged with and I will offer the same.

Thanks,

Monica, Life and Relationship Coach

Find out more about my coaching business at www.NewStepsLifeCoaching.com

I made some big mistakes as my first child got married.  I didn’t know how much I needed to let go, to stop being in his business, to fight my urge to fix things and control outcomes.  Sound familiar?  I was so oblivious to his needs and sure I was doing a great job, until we had a huge fight that changed our relationship forever.  I learned from my mistakes and worked on doing a better job with my daughters.  The result is The Empowered Bride.  It all started with relationship transitions.

So what is a better way to make this transition?  Start with an above board conversation BEFORE the trouble starts!

By being proactive you can design your relationship transition.  You and your parents are in the driver seat together.  You get to decide what you want your relationship to look like: what are your priorities, how can you support each other, what are the new boundaries and expectations?  Start your conversation in the generalized end of things before you get really specific.  “I want us to feel like equals, I want you to see me as an independent adult, I want to be able to turn to you for help when I need it and say no when I don’t. I’d love to be able to get together with no agenda, no judgment, and be able to talk to you from my heart. ”

General topics can include what kind of influence you do or do not want your parents to have on your decisions.  Another topic that shows up frequently is parents being in their child’s business, making comments about your life or asking questions you don’t appreciate.  Some parents nag, asking for an answer repeatedly, which drives adult children crazy (one of my big mistakes of the past).  The classic no-no is unexpected visits or daily phone calls.  Perhaps you need to set a healthy boundary and be clear so that there are no misunderstandings. Just saying the word “boundary” can let someone know they are on the verge!

Take some time to think about what is important to you, what might be annoying you, and how you’d like things to be going instead.  Write a list if you think you are going to get flustered or forget.  And don’t forget to be appreciative too.  If they are doing things right, let them know!  We all need helpful feedback. I love it when my kids say they enjoy being with us or show their enthusiasm as we plan the next holiday.  It lets me know that we are on the right track.

So go out there and have a heart-to-heart that will take you to the next phase of your parent/child relationship.  It’s time!

I am spending a lot of time thinking about my daughter’s recent transition as a new bride.  She got married a few weeks ago, went on her honeymoon, then moved 400 miles to another state leaving her friends and her job behind in Boston.  Now she has lots to do to reestablish her life, like changing her name, her car insurance, looking for a job, etc. Talk about a big transition.

She and her husband never lived together prior to the wedding (yes, there are people who actually still do that).  So on top of the move, establishing a new identity and looking for a job, she is adjusting to having a new life partner and roommate.  They seem to be doing real well, working together to help Melissa get settled in their new home.  My son in law, Chris, works a 4 day work week so that helps.  He’s is a great guy. As a wedding gift, he has planned a series of day trips and short vacations to explore her new home state of Virginia.

Their transition together consists of establishing new roles (outer roles) such as who will do the cooking, cleaning, paying the bills, and taking out the garbage. Some roles will be shared and some will be more or less assumed or assigned.  Post-Wedding Transitions also include more subtle  adjustments (inner roles) such as who will organize free time or social activities, being “the responsible one”, and being the “fun one.”  If one person always carries the responsibility of a certain role; inner or outer, they can get tired of it, so beware of “role nausea” and change things up every once in a while.  If no one assumes an important role like paying the bills or cleaning the house, or even being “the fun one,” trouble will ensue.  If you notice a role not occupied, have a discussion about how to fill it. If you’re starting to resent a role, it’s time to try something new.

When you are thinking about how your life will change after you get married, be sure to have a conversation about roles and then build in some time to adjust.  Be prepared for the feelings that will come up.  You have a new identity, a new role to play.  You’ll probably have a little post-wedding let-down as well.  Your life has been focused for so many months on ONE main goal- the wedding.  Now your brain has to let go of that and think about what comes next.  (Hopefully you have thought about that a little already.)

No matter where you are in the wedding process (one week away, 6 months away), take some time now to think about how you would like things to be after the wedding.  Really think about it.  Best case scenario.  How do you want your relationship to be?  What roles do you visualize that will need filling?  What expectations do you have?  Then TALK about it together.  Never assume, and never leave your expectations undiscussed.  That is a sure fire way to set your partner up for failure.  The most carefree and enjoyable relationships still take awareness and a bit a of planning.  Don’t leave your happiness up for grabs.

Please share what roles are the hardest to fill, the most fun, the most unexpected.  I’d love to see what all the brides-to-be are thinking!

The next post will be about the parent/child transition during and after the wedding.

After 5-10 minutes of trying to figure out what to do, we decided to head to the reception and worry about it later.  So what if the bride and groom are leaving for their honeymoon, the maid of honor lives in MA and the best man in VA?!  We would deal with it on Monday.

I called our priest on Monday and it turns out that he is the only one who has to sign in the state of CT.  I got married in NY and remember witnesses signing it before the ceremony.  I guess every state is different.

So the moral of the story is… ASK your officiant what the routine will be on the day of the wedding!  Never assume.  Clarify the expectations and you will be more relaxed and confident, not to mention less confused!

The day began with a light breakfast and an early trip to the hair dresser. It was fun to see the transformations.

Melissa, Christine, Katie, Kristen and Marissa before the magic happens.

Monica and Melissa with the makeup artist Holly.

Presto, change-o and the beauties are ready for the big day.

Katie, Kristen, Marissa and Christine. The Bridal party is ready.

My favorite photo of just Melissa on her wedding day

The ceremony was held at St. Lawrence Church in Huntington, CT and Melissa tossed her bouquet there too.  The day was gorgeous, everyone looked great and was very happy. My church choir added a special personalized touch.   I couldn’t possibly put photos of everything but here is one from the church.

A wedding blessing from Father Peter. No "Help Me" on the bottom of Chris' shoes!

I’ll finish out this post with a few more photos of the bride, groom and our family taken at the Waveny House in New Canaan, CT.  Our photographer, Terry Day will be providing all the professional photos, but these are from my camera.

The full wedding party in the gardens of the Waveny

A tender moment for the bride and groom with bride's family

The Leggett side: The bride is from a very big family! Aunts, Uncles, cousins and this isn't even all of them!

Chris' family came a long way, mostly from VA. A number of relatives couldn't make the trip. Melissa has a much easier task to get to know Chris' smaller family.

The first dance is Stand By Me, played by The Big Band Swing Machine

This father-daughter team has years of dancing experience and it shows!

The Big Band Swing Machine added a magical touch to our evening. Everyone loved the music.

After the reception, most guests and family members went to the Doubletree Hotel in Norwalk where we were all staying.  The party continued in the bar till about 12:30.

Bride and Groom go casual after the reception. They're dancing to their friend Jesse's Cajun music at the bar.

Go Jesse!

And finally, the next morning we all had breakfast before the honeymooners headed to the airport.  San Fran and Maui, here they come!

The Legget Family and son-in-laws Chris and Morgan

A breakfast gathering of my family the morning after the wedding.

A week before the wedding, Melissa moved home from Boston.  She left her job to move to Virginia with her husband after the wedding and honeymoon.  We were grateful that she was able to be home and not working the whole week before the wedding.  Of course, she had the added stress of going through all her belongings and pack for the honeymoon, and the move.

Here is our list of activities for each day the week of the wedding:

Monday- go through belongings with 3 categories- keep, give away, store at Mom and Dad’s.  We also had a prep party for finishing all the wedding and reception details- programs, hotel welcome bags, escort cards, lists for helpers the day of and for the caterer.  Many thanks to my friends Darlene and Sheila for helping out.  It gave us focus and purpose, not to mention a few extra pairs of hands.  This was also the day we tested out the signature drink, the French Martini.

The French Martini- Vodka, Rasberry Liqueur and Pineapple Juice. Yum!

Tuesday- Meet with caterer and finalize tables, rentals and liquor order.  Finish de-clutter of house as much as possible.  Keep working on the wedding afghan.

Wednesday- Final dress fitting/pick up.  Lunch at Olive Garden, then the bride’s time to visit with a friend.  They won’t be seeing nearly as much of each other after the wedding cuz of Melissa’s move to VA.  We all have some adjusting to do on that part!  Melissa’s sister came down from Boston in the evening.

Thursday- Last major house cleaning, prep for arrival of groom and his best man, and brother-in-law.  My husband took Thur, Fri and Monday off from work to help out and relax (Is it possible to do both?)  The guests weren’t arriving till very late (11pm or later), so it gave us the day to grocery shop and settle in.  My husband and I had lunch with Christine and Melissa at Ruby Tuesdays.  Relax before the storm.  Later, the ladies got a chance to go get our nails done.  Mani/Pedi is a prerequisite for all mother/daughter teams!  I highly recommend a gel manicure for an event like a wedding.  It lasts 2-3 weeks.

Christine and Melissa getting a pedicure. A great sister or mother/daughter bonding activity.

Friday morning- Everyone had different assignments.  Melissa stayed home and played hostess with her dad.   I had to drop the dog to the boarder, then pick up one of the groomsmen at the airport.  I got a chance to meet him before my daughter!  James is in the Air Force and lives in CA.  Once we got home and had lunch it was time to take 4 of the 6 guys to pick up tuxes.

James, Billy, Chris (the groom) and Ben. Tuxes are a go.

On the way home from Men’s Warehouse, we drove by the florist who was doing the wedding.  It’s a good thing I took that route because I had to pick up the cake-topper and bring it to the baker.  I almost forgot!  We saved $20 in delivery charges, but if I had forgotten, I don’t think it would have been worth it!  A quick stop and we had what we needed.

Friday eve was the rehearsal and dinner.  We made our home the meeting point all afternoon so people didn’t have to deal with I-95 during rush hour.  As 5pm approached we had at least 20 people at our house-bride and grooms family, wedding party, and participants in the ceremony.  There was a slight mix-up of times for rehearsal at the church, the priest got there at 5:30 and we were all in a panic, thinking it was starting at 5pm.  I guess the rehearsal was one thing I didn’t pay attention to.  I never talked with the priest to confirm, as I did with everyone else.  One bridesmaid was late due to traffic but other than that, it went smoothly.

The rehearsal dinner was great.  Again some confusion as to seating- nothing had been decided ahead of time.  We didn’t know what position the tables would be in and it turned out to be 4 tables of 8 or 6 chairs.  With so few tables and such particular groupings of family and friends, it required assigning who would sit at what table, which we weren’t ready for.  But it all worked out in the end.  (Another thing I would do differently would be to have directions ready for everyone at the rehearsal to get to the dinner and from the dinner to the hotel.  Thanks goodness for GPS systems.)

It’s funny how we micromanaged every moment of the reception, but hadn’t really given a lot of thought to the rehearsal dinner.  We all wanted to just enjoy the evening and get to know each other a bit more and that was accomplished.  After the dinner we all went to the hotel and met up with the rest of the out of town guests.  Now all that’s left is to have the wedding!

Molly, Laura, Melissa and Kelly. A reunion with college friends/roomates. "We can't believe Melissa is getting MARRIED!"

The bride's Godfather Saher and Grandpa Leggett, two lawyers who love their Melissa.

Chris and Melissa, just 18 hours to "I do."

Knowing that there was only one night left for my daughters to finish all the assorted projects for the reception, I made a surprise drive to “Craft Central” in Walpole, MA (AKA Christine’s house, a 150 mile drive away).  I let my older daughter know I was coming but surprised the bride-to-be with an extra pair of hands! (My dog was not thrilled being left alone till hubby got home, BUT it was all worth it.)

Celtie tried to stow away for the ride but was easily discovered in her "hiding place."

After a quick update of the works in progress, I jumped in and wrapped boxes for centerpieces:

Melissa is holding one of the party favors, which are part of the centerpiece.

Dance Cards for the women, Olives for the men. Resting in a martini glass as an invitation to go to the bar for a signature drink. My older daughter Christine designed all the details.

Melissa and I also went shopping at Costco to buy items for the hotel welcome bags.  We got there just before closing so it was a quick trip to the snacks, candy and water aisles.

All in all, it was a very fruitful visit.  My daughters and I are a team, and we don’t want any one person to have to do the brunt of the work.

Still left to do: Assemble all the women’s escort cards, fill the hotel goody bags and put bows on the programs. I have 2 friends coming over on Monday to help us out.

Go to Staples and order

• copies of the ceremony program (Grandma drew a beautiful cover for it.)
• Welcome sign with illustration of Melissa and Chris in front of a Newport Mansion
• “Map” of the table layout at the reception (Melissa’s sister Christine found a cool old illustration of Newport, Rhode Island to act as the backdrop of the table design.)

Each table is named after a Newport landmark.

Still to do:

• Table Identifiers
• Escort Cards

The list is getting shorter but the days are running out!  Melissa is leaving her job on Friday and moving to our house till the wedding.  That means no more time to hang out with her sister/Maid of Honor to get all the rest of the designs finished.

One other issue that has been going on is finding out when a few of the groomsmen and their guests are getting to CT (from VA and CA).  They need rides to our house before the rehearsal so we need to know when and where they are arriving.   Melissa is asking the groom and the groom is asking the guys, but things are still up in the air.  We’ll be very happy when this is all settled!

If you are dealing with a lot of people and trying to get a message heard, may I suggest that you use a conference call.  There are several websites where you can get a free conference line and then you can arrange a time for everyone to talk things over; what are your expectations, what is the timeline for the whole weekend, etc.   I like to facilitate group conference calls where the wedding party can create a fun team spirit and get psyched for the big day.  Now if only I had spoken up a little louder with my own daughter!

I am a not the neatest person in the world. (No snickers from those who know me!)  I have improved over the years but I still have my issues: I get attached to things, I save too much, I don’t take the time to set up a system or put things away or file for that matter. Then after things pile up, I get frustrated and try to tackle it.

For the last 15 months it has been my goal to clean up my bedroom. I moved here 4 years ago and still hadn’t put everything away. I have a large desk and bookcases, but I don’t like to work there.  I was almost done putting things away last summer but I stopped short of completion, leaving all the hardest stuff to deal with. What was left was the 3 boxes of papers that needed sorting, thinning out, or filing. A year later it was all still there along with new clutter.  The desk had a layer of old bills and notes about this and that. My dresser had piles of winter socks and assorted small items. My side of the bathroom vanity was piled high with makeup, hair products and jewelry.

This year I’ve been motivated by the fact that my daughter is getting married and the photographer will be taking pictures upstairs- Melissa getting ready, Melissa and her bridal party, Melissa and her proud mom, whatever!

So yesterday, after talking with MY life coach (yes I have a coach too) about why I’ve been resisting the final push, I set up a schedule and did it! I stayed focused on the task. I resisted my computer, the phone, the to-do list, the refrigerator and my dog. Now the taxes are all filed, the papers are put away, and donations are in a bag heading to Goodwill. I even tackled the master bath. Toiletries are thinned out and shelved, and the jewelry is organized.

I am a life coach. With that comes the responsibility of doing the things I encourage my clients to do- like de-clutter or get my house in order.  Now I can say “I did it, so can you!”  I am quite proud of myself. When I woke up this morning, I no longer had to look at a messy desk or bookshelf, cluttered corners or a messy bathroom. I could open my eyes and enjoy what I was seeing! The wedding is 10 days away and I am ready. Woo Hoo!

I have a new appreciation for destination weddings.  Keep all this in mind when you schedule your wedding at home.   It’s more than just preparing for the wedding, it’s getting your whole house in order.  And if someone else is hosting the gathering, I beg you to have a special appreciation for what they are going through.

More about my daughter’s schedule in the next post…

Gone are the piles and the dust! Now we're ready for one of those contemplative photos of the bride looking in the mirror

De-cluttered and ready for the "bride getting ready" photos.