// BLOG
5 Tips to Happier Relationships (and a happier YOU)
August 10, 2011
We all have our good days and our bad days, and it’s the same with our relationships- not just the one with your fiance but also the relationships you have with your parents, friends, and wedding service providers. One of the keys to having more “good” than “bad” in your relationships is to analyze who you are BEING in the relationship and then making adjustments. Try these 5 tips and you’ll see a difference in no time.
1. Taking control of who you are BEING begins with becoming aware of what you are doing right now; the way you talk to yourself, the way you respond to others, and the actions you take. Try to make a mental note of how positive you are being. Do you accept or judge? Do you forgive or hold grudges? Do you expect the worst or appreciate all that you have and all that others do?
Are you being more Positive or more Negative in your relationships?
2. It’s important to understand that you get back what you put out. If you want a more open and honest relationship, you need to be more open and honest. If you wish others would just speak their truth and stop avoiding or beating around the bush, you need to be willing to go there yourself. You also need to be willing to listen and not judge when that person is being straightforward with you. Otherwise they’ll never continue! So what is important to you?
What values do you hold dear and are you living up to them yourself or just demanding of others?
3. Pick a positive action, emotion or expression and then use it as often as you can for the next week. Adding positive emotions to the relationship system can only have a positive affect. Next week you’ll have had so much success you’ll want to try another! Here are a few to choose from: Appreciation, Acknowledgment, Forgiveness, Acceptance, Gratitude, Respect, Affection, Giving of your Time without expecting anything in return, Being present with your loved ones (not watching your phone for calls, texts, emails, twitters or anything else!)
A few trickier and more challenging skills to work on are Active Listening, Being Open to Influence (not steadfast in your opinion with your fingers in your ears!), and sharing your thoughts and feelings with the intention to inform, not control in any way.
What is ONE positive action, emotion or expression you can share today with your loved ones?
5. We all have a sense of what is working and what is not working. Be open to change if something is not working and to be more in line with your values. You won’t lose your identity; you’ll lose all the roadblocks to a genuine, honest relationship.
What are you willing to do for your relationship?
As always, I am here to help. Give me a call to set up a free consultation and let’s get your life on track!
Monica 203-209-5462.
Also, look for my main life coaching website: www.NewStepsLifeCoaching.com
Blogger’s dilemma- spammers
July 26, 2011
I apologize for anyone I left hanging last year when I stopped blogging. I got hit by so much spam that I got discouraged. But I have found a way to stop the spam so now I am ready to get back to work! If anyone reads this and would like to suggest topics for blog posts or have questions about planning a wedding, avoiding family/friend drama, or adjusting to married life, I would be happy to give my 2 cents on the subject.
Wanted: Intelligent conversation!! I am a blogger begging for conversation, so give me comments I can get engaged with and I will offer the same.
Thanks,
Monica, Life and Relationship Coach
Find out more about my coaching business at www.NewStepsLifeCoaching.com
Parent-Child Transitions Before/During/After the Wedding
December 14, 2010
Every bride knows that she needs to separate from her parents and friends in some way as she heads in to her wedding day. Without this separation, she is not ready to join her life partner without a lot of baggage and distraction. Parents have to make a transition as well. The “transition” is more about a change in perspective, expectations, routines, and even habits. I am writing this post from the perspective of the mother of three grown children, as well as a daughter and daughter-in-law. I realize many readers are brides, not the parents, so read through this and then show this post to your mom and mother-in law!
I made some big mistakes as my first child got married. I didn’t know how much I needed to let go, to stop being in his business, to fight my urge to fix things and control outcomes. Sound familiar? I was so oblivious to his needs and sure I was doing a great job, until we had a huge fight that changed our relationship forever. I learned from my mistakes and worked on doing a better job with my daughters. The result is The Empowered Bride. It all started with relationship transitions.
So what is a better way to make this transition? Start with an above board conversation BEFORE the trouble starts!
By being proactive you can design your relationship transition. You and your parents are in the driver seat together. You get to decide what you want your relationship to look like: what are your priorities, how can you support each other, what are the new boundaries and expectations? Start your conversation in the generalized end of things before you get really specific. “I want us to feel like equals, I want you to see me as an independent adult, I want to be able to turn to you for help when I need it and say no when I don’t. I’d love to be able to get together with no agenda, no judgment, and be able to talk to you from my heart. ”
General topics can include what kind of influence you do or do not want your parents to have on your decisions. Another topic that shows up frequently is parents being in their child’s business, making comments about your life or asking questions you don’t appreciate. Some parents nag, asking for an answer repeatedly, which drives adult children crazy (one of my big mistakes of the past). The classic no-no is unexpected visits or daily phone calls. Perhaps you need to set a healthy boundary and be clear so that there are no misunderstandings. Just saying the word “boundary” can let someone know they are on the verge!
Take some time to think about what is important to you, what might be annoying you, and how you’d like things to be going instead. Write a list if you think you are going to get flustered or forget. And don’t forget to be appreciative too. If they are doing things right, let them know! We all need helpful feedback. I love it when my kids say they enjoy being with us or show their enthusiasm as we plan the next holiday. It lets me know that we are on the right track.
So go out there and have a heart-to-heart that will take you to the next phase of your parent/child relationship. It’s time!
Life Transitions After the Wedding
September 21, 2010
Life Transitions, they come in many shapes and sizes. Sometimes it’s small adjustments to a new boss, a friend moving away, or a new social situation. With a wedding, it is usually much more dramatic. It affects not only you, but your spouse, your parents, siblings, and so on.
I am spending a lot of time thinking about my daughter’s recent transition as a new bride. She got married a few weeks ago, went on her honeymoon, then moved 400 miles to another state leaving her friends and her job behind in Boston. Now she has lots to do to reestablish her life, like changing her name, her car insurance, looking for a job, etc. Talk about a big transition.
She and her husband never lived together prior to the wedding (yes, there are people who actually still do that). So on top of the move, establishing a new identity and looking for a job, she is adjusting to having a new life partner and roommate. They seem to be doing real well, working together to help Melissa get settled in their new home. My son in law, Chris, works a 4 day work week so that helps. He’s is a great guy. As a wedding gift, he has planned a series of day trips and short vacations to explore her new home state of Virginia.
Their transition together consists of establishing new roles (outer roles) such as who will do the cooking, cleaning, paying the bills, and taking out the garbage. Some roles will be shared and some will be more or less assumed or assigned. Post-Wedding Transitions also include more subtle adjustments (inner roles) such as who will organize free time or social activities, being “the responsible one”, and being the “fun one.” If one person always carries the responsibility of a certain role; inner or outer, they can get tired of it, so beware of “role nausea” and change things up every once in a while. If no one assumes an important role like paying the bills or cleaning the house, or even being “the fun one,” trouble will ensue. If you notice a role not occupied, have a discussion about how to fill it. If you’re starting to resent a role, it’s time to try something new.
When you are thinking about how your life will change after you get married, be sure to have a conversation about roles and then build in some time to adjust. Be prepared for the feelings that will come up. You have a new identity, a new role to play. You’ll probably have a little post-wedding let-down as well. Your life has been focused for so many months on ONE main goal- the wedding. Now your brain has to let go of that and think about what comes next. (Hopefully you have thought about that a little already.)
No matter where you are in the wedding process (one week away, 6 months away), take some time now to think about how you would like things to be after the wedding. Really think about it. Best case scenario. How do you want your relationship to be? What roles do you visualize that will need filling? What expectations do you have? Then TALK about it together. Never assume, and never leave your expectations undiscussed. That is a sure fire way to set your partner up for failure. The most carefree and enjoyable relationships still take awareness and a bit a of planning. Don’t leave your happiness up for grabs.
Please share what roles are the hardest to fill, the most fun, the most unexpected. I’d love to see what all the brides-to-be are thinking!
The next post will be about the parent/child transition during and after the wedding.
Who signs the marriage license?
September 8, 2010
I live in the state of CT. At our daughter’s wedding, we expected her matron of honor and best man would be signing the license at the ceremony. When we got through with the receiving line after the ceremony, we couldn’t find the priest! He had gone back to the rectory! (Catholic Church)
After 5-10 minutes of trying to figure out what to do, we decided to head to the reception and worry about it later. So what if the bride and groom are leaving for their honeymoon, the maid of honor lives in MA and the best man in VA?! We would deal with it on Monday.
I called our priest on Monday and it turns out that he is the only one who has to sign in the state of CT. I got married in NY and remember witnesses signing it before the ceremony. I guess every state is different.
So the moral of the story is… ASK your officiant what the routine will be on the day of the wedding! Never assume. Clarify the expectations and you will be more relaxed and confident, not to mention less confused!