Parent-Child Transitions Before/During/After the Wedding
December 14, 2010
Every bride knows that she needs to separate from her parents and friends in some way as she heads in to her wedding day. Without this separation, she is not ready to join her life partner without a lot of baggage and distraction. Parents have to make a transition as well. The “transition” is more about a change in perspective, expectations, routines, and even habits. I am writing this post from the perspective of the mother of three grown children, as well as a daughter and daughter-in-law. I realize many readers are brides, not the parents, so read through this and then show this post to your mom and mother-in law!
I made some big mistakes as my first child got married. I didn’t know how much I needed to let go, to stop being in his business, to fight my urge to fix things and control outcomes. Sound familiar? I was so oblivious to his needs and sure I was doing a great job, until we had a huge fight that changed our relationship forever. I learned from my mistakes and worked on doing a better job with my daughters. The result is The Empowered Bride. It all started with relationship transitions.
So what is a better way to make this transition? Start with an above board conversation BEFORE the trouble starts!
By being proactive you can design your relationship transition. You and your parents are in the driver seat together. You get to decide what you want your relationship to look like: what are your priorities, how can you support each other, what are the new boundaries and expectations? Start your conversation in the generalized end of things before you get really specific. “I want us to feel like equals, I want you to see me as an independent adult, I want to be able to turn to you for help when I need it and say no when I don’t. I’d love to be able to get together with no agenda, no judgment, and be able to talk to you from my heart. ”
General topics can include what kind of influence you do or do not want your parents to have on your decisions. Another topic that shows up frequently is parents being in their child’s business, making comments about your life or asking questions you don’t appreciate. Some parents nag, asking for an answer repeatedly, which drives adult children crazy (one of my big mistakes of the past). The classic no-no is unexpected visits or daily phone calls. Perhaps you need to set a healthy boundary and be clear so that there are no misunderstandings. Just saying the word “boundary” can let someone know they are on the verge!
Take some time to think about what is important to you, what might be annoying you, and how you’d like things to be going instead. Write a list if you think you are going to get flustered or forget. And don’t forget to be appreciative too. If they are doing things right, let them know! We all need helpful feedback. I love it when my kids say they enjoy being with us or show their enthusiasm as we plan the next holiday. It lets me know that we are on the right track.
So go out there and have a heart-to-heart that will take you to the next phase of your parent/child relationship. It’s time!