Life Transitions After the Wedding
September 21, 2010
Life Transitions, they come in many shapes and sizes. Sometimes it’s small adjustments to a new boss, a friend moving away, or a new social situation. With a wedding, it is usually much more dramatic. It affects not only you, but your spouse, your parents, siblings, and so on.
I am spending a lot of time thinking about my daughter’s recent transition as a new bride. She got married a few weeks ago, went on her honeymoon, then moved 400 miles to another state leaving her friends and her job behind in Boston. Now she has lots to do to reestablish her life, like changing her name, her car insurance, looking for a job, etc. Talk about a big transition.
She and her husband never lived together prior to the wedding (yes, there are people who actually still do that). So on top of the move, establishing a new identity and looking for a job, she is adjusting to having a new life partner and roommate. They seem to be doing real well, working together to help Melissa get settled in their new home. My son in law, Chris, works a 4 day work week so that helps. He’s is a great guy. As a wedding gift, he has planned a series of day trips and short vacations to explore her new home state of Virginia.
Their transition together consists of establishing new roles (outer roles) such as who will do the cooking, cleaning, paying the bills, and taking out the garbage. Some roles will be shared and some will be more or less assumed or assigned. Post-Wedding Transitions also include more subtle adjustments (inner roles) such as who will organize free time or social activities, being “the responsible one”, and being the “fun one.” If one person always carries the responsibility of a certain role; inner or outer, they can get tired of it, so beware of “role nausea” and change things up every once in a while. If no one assumes an important role like paying the bills or cleaning the house, or even being “the fun one,” trouble will ensue. If you notice a role not occupied, have a discussion about how to fill it. If you’re starting to resent a role, it’s time to try something new.
When you are thinking about how your life will change after you get married, be sure to have a conversation about roles and then build in some time to adjust. Be prepared for the feelings that will come up. You have a new identity, a new role to play. You’ll probably have a little post-wedding let-down as well. Your life has been focused for so many months on ONE main goal- the wedding. Now your brain has to let go of that and think about what comes next. (Hopefully you have thought about that a little already.)
No matter where you are in the wedding process (one week away, 6 months away), take some time now to think about how you would like things to be after the wedding. Really think about it. Best case scenario. How do you want your relationship to be? What roles do you visualize that will need filling? What expectations do you have? Then TALK about it together. Never assume, and never leave your expectations undiscussed. That is a sure fire way to set your partner up for failure. The most carefree and enjoyable relationships still take awareness and a bit a of planning. Don’t leave your happiness up for grabs.
Please share what roles are the hardest to fill, the most fun, the most unexpected. I’d love to see what all the brides-to-be are thinking!
The next post will be about the parent/child transition during and after the wedding.
Who signs the marriage license?
September 8, 2010
I live in the state of CT. At our daughter’s wedding, we expected her matron of honor and best man would be signing the license at the ceremony. When we got through with the receiving line after the ceremony, we couldn’t find the priest! He had gone back to the rectory! (Catholic Church)
After 5-10 minutes of trying to figure out what to do, we decided to head to the reception and worry about it later. So what if the bride and groom are leaving for their honeymoon, the maid of honor lives in MA and the best man in VA?! We would deal with it on Monday.
I called our priest on Monday and it turns out that he is the only one who has to sign in the state of CT. I got married in NY and remember witnesses signing it before the ceremony. I guess every state is different.
So the moral of the story is… ASK your officiant what the routine will be on the day of the wedding! Never assume. Clarify the expectations and you will be more relaxed and confident, not to mention less confused!
The Wedding Day!!!
September 3, 2010
The wedding day is finally here. After 10 months of planning and years of anticipation, we finally get to experience what my daughter has dreamed of. August 28th, 2010 was a great day for our family.
The day began with a light breakfast and an early trip to the hair dresser. It was fun to see the transformations.
Melissa, Christine, Katie, Kristen and Marissa before the magic happens.
Monica and Melissa with the makeup artist Holly.
Presto, change-o and the beauties are ready for the big day.
Katie, Kristen, Marissa and Christine. The Bridal party is ready.
My favorite photo of just Melissa on her wedding day
The ceremony was held at St. Lawrence Church in Huntington, CT and Melissa tossed her bouquet there too. The day was gorgeous, everyone looked great and was very happy. My church choir added a special personalized touch. I couldn’t possibly put photos of everything but here is one from the church.
A wedding blessing from Father Peter. No "Help Me" on the bottom of Chris' shoes!
I’ll finish out this post with a few more photos of the bride, groom and our family taken at the Waveny House in New Canaan, CT. Our photographer, Terry Day will be providing all the professional photos, but these are from my camera.
The full wedding party in the gardens of the Waveny
A tender moment for the bride and groom with bride's family
The Leggett side: The bride is from a very big family! Aunts, Uncles, cousins and this isn't even all of them!
Chris' family came a long way, mostly from VA. A number of relatives couldn't make the trip. Melissa has a much easier task to get to know Chris' smaller family.
The first dance is Stand By Me, played by The Big Band Swing Machine
This father-daughter team has years of dancing experience and it shows!
The Big Band Swing Machine added a magical touch to our evening. Everyone loved the music.
After the reception, most guests and family members went to the Doubletree Hotel in Norwalk where we were all staying. The party continued in the bar till about 12:30.
Bride and Groom go casual after the reception. They're dancing to their friend Jesse's Cajun music at the bar.
Go Jesse!
And finally, the next morning we all had breakfast before the honeymooners headed to the airport. San Fran and Maui, here they come!
The Legget Family and son-in-laws Chris and Morgan
A breakfast gathering of my family the morning after the wedding.
Countdown- The final days before the wedding
September 3, 2010
I am writing this after the fact (it got very hectic and busy as you may imagine) but I want to share all that goes on the last few days before a wedding. I will keep it to what I experienced, but I’m sure other things come up for other brides and their families.
A week before the wedding, Melissa moved home from Boston. She left her job to move to Virginia with her husband after the wedding and honeymoon. We were grateful that she was able to be home and not working the whole week before the wedding. Of course, she had the added stress of going through all her belongings and pack for the honeymoon, and the move.
Here is our list of activities for each day the week of the wedding:
Monday- go through belongings with 3 categories- keep, give away, store at Mom and Dad’s. We also had a prep party for finishing all the wedding and reception details- programs, hotel welcome bags, escort cards, lists for helpers the day of and for the caterer. Many thanks to my friends Darlene and Sheila for helping out. It gave us focus and purpose, not to mention a few extra pairs of hands. This was also the day we tested out the signature drink, the French Martini.
The French Martini- Vodka, Rasberry Liqueur and Pineapple Juice. Yum!
Tuesday- Meet with caterer and finalize tables, rentals and liquor order. Finish de-clutter of house as much as possible. Keep working on the wedding afghan.
Wednesday- Final dress fitting/pick up. Lunch at Olive Garden, then the bride’s time to visit with a friend. They won’t be seeing nearly as much of each other after the wedding cuz of Melissa’s move to VA. We all have some adjusting to do on that part! Melissa’s sister came down from Boston in the evening.
Thursday- Last major house cleaning, prep for arrival of groom and his best man, and brother-in-law. My husband took Thur, Fri and Monday off from work to help out and relax (Is it possible to do both?) The guests weren’t arriving till very late (11pm or later), so it gave us the day to grocery shop and settle in. My husband and I had lunch with Christine and Melissa at Ruby Tuesdays. Relax before the storm. Later, the ladies got a chance to go get our nails done. Mani/Pedi is a prerequisite for all mother/daughter teams! I highly recommend a gel manicure for an event like a wedding. It lasts 2-3 weeks.
Christine and Melissa getting a pedicure. A great sister or mother/daughter bonding activity.
Friday morning- Everyone had different assignments. Melissa stayed home and played hostess with her dad. I had to drop the dog to the boarder, then pick up one of the groomsmen at the airport. I got a chance to meet him before my daughter! James is in the Air Force and lives in CA. Once we got home and had lunch it was time to take 4 of the 6 guys to pick up tuxes.
James, Billy, Chris (the groom) and Ben. Tuxes are a go.
On the way home from Men’s Warehouse, we drove by the florist who was doing the wedding. It’s a good thing I took that route because I had to pick up the cake-topper and bring it to the baker. I almost forgot! We saved $20 in delivery charges, but if I had forgotten, I don’t think it would have been worth it! A quick stop and we had what we needed.
Friday eve was the rehearsal and dinner. We made our home the meeting point all afternoon so people didn’t have to deal with I-95 during rush hour. As 5pm approached we had at least 20 people at our house-bride and grooms family, wedding party, and participants in the ceremony. There was a slight mix-up of times for rehearsal at the church, the priest got there at 5:30 and we were all in a panic, thinking it was starting at 5pm. I guess the rehearsal was one thing I didn’t pay attention to. I never talked with the priest to confirm, as I did with everyone else. One bridesmaid was late due to traffic but other than that, it went smoothly.
The rehearsal dinner was great. Again some confusion as to seating- nothing had been decided ahead of time. We didn’t know what position the tables would be in and it turned out to be 4 tables of 8 or 6 chairs. With so few tables and such particular groupings of family and friends, it required assigning who would sit at what table, which we weren’t ready for. But it all worked out in the end. (Another thing I would do differently would be to have directions ready for everyone at the rehearsal to get to the dinner and from the dinner to the hotel. Thanks goodness for GPS systems.)
It’s funny how we micromanaged every moment of the reception, but hadn’t really given a lot of thought to the rehearsal dinner. We all wanted to just enjoy the evening and get to know each other a bit more and that was accomplished. After the dinner we all went to the hotel and met up with the rest of the out of town guests. Now all that’s left is to have the wedding!
Molly, Laura, Melissa and Kelly. A reunion with college friends/roomates. "We can't believe Melissa is getting MARRIED!"
The bride's Godfather Saher and Grandpa Leggett, two lawyers who love their Melissa.
Chris and Melissa, just 18 hours to "I do."
Countdown- Surprise trip to Craft Central- 9 days to go…
September 2, 2010
[I started this blog on Aug 19th, finished it 3 days after the wedding!]
Knowing that there was only one night left for my daughters to finish all the assorted projects for the reception, I made a surprise drive to “Craft Central” in Walpole, MA (AKA Christine’s house, a 150 mile drive away). I let my older daughter know I was coming but surprised the bride-to-be with an extra pair of hands! (My dog was not thrilled being left alone till hubby got home, BUT it was all worth it.)
Celtie tried to stow away for the ride but was easily discovered in her "hiding place."
After a quick update of the works in progress, I jumped in and wrapped boxes for centerpieces:
Melissa is holding one of the party favors, which are part of the centerpiece.
Dance Cards for the women, Olives for the men. Resting in a martini glass as an invitation to go to the bar for a signature drink. My older daughter Christine designed all the details.
Melissa and I also went shopping at Costco to buy items for the hotel welcome bags. We got there just before closing so it was a quick trip to the snacks, candy and water aisles.
All in all, it was a very fruitful visit. My daughters and I are a team, and we don’t want any one person to have to do the brunt of the work.
Still left to do: Assemble all the women’s escort cards, fill the hotel goody bags and put bows on the programs. I have 2 friends coming over on Monday to help us out.