Countdown- The Stress-filled Nightmare
July 30, 2010
No matter how calm you may appear to be on the outside, your psyche (mind) may see things differently. This can show up in a nightmare while sleeping or a daydream while awake.
My daughter, the soon-to-be bride, had a doozy of a nightmare last night. We talked about what it could have meant and it seemed to point to a performance anxiety. She may not be comfortable being the center of attention for an entire day with 100 people.
In her dream, Melissa was a guest presenter at a show like the Emmy’s or Tony’s, but of course, her wedding cake was on stage too. And she was afraid Usher (the singer) would bump into it while dancing around the stage. She offered to hold the cake off stage. (I think in real life she might be concerned that her wedding cake could get bumped being too near the dance floor). To make a long story short, she was asked (demanded) to be the next singer on stage (following her hero Barbara Streisand) and she got all flustered and insisted she didn’t know the song or the words and couldn’t do it! “I’m just supposed to hold the cake!” she cried. At that point she woke up and was relieved to know that it wasn’t reality.
30 days away from the wedding there are lots of things on a bride’s mind. All the final little details are weighing heavy on her psyche and can make up some real outrageous story lines.
How do you get calmed down and get back to reality?
We talked about some things she could do TODAY that would give her a feeling of accomplishment AND have fun too. New makeup, a cute pair of red shoes to go with a dress she plans to wear on her honeymoon, and the last batches of candy for the candy bar at the reception were all on her mind as “To-do’s,” so that is what she is doing today.
Melissa and every bride have a realization that they will be the center of attention at the wedding. For some brides, they thrive on the attention. For others, it makes them anxious- and the best way to be anxiety-free about it is to realize that you can’t avoid it so you might as well accept it and have fun! Soak in all the details that you spent hours planning, chat with all the friends and family you invited, and dance to the wonderful music you’ve thought about for months. (And don’t forget to thank your parents!)
As one bride told me, “On the day of the wedding, just remember to have a good time and stop worrying about everyone else. As long as you have your groom and the bouquet, you’re all set!”
Countdown Continues- RSVP blues
July 30, 2010
My daughter’s wedding is 31 days away and we have several guests’ medical dilemmas that are delaying rsvp’s. It’s out of our control right now but it makes it hard to plan the seating! If person #1′s knee is recovering well from surgery, she’ll be vacationing and not able to attend the wedding. Person #2 is unable to fly, can’t drive, and isn’t able to get a rental car at the local train station. There are more stories like that but I won’t go on. All totaled, I think we are still unsure about 15 people (out of 138 invites). That is a swing of 2-3 more possible tables.
It all gets complicated when you think about who can sit with whom at the reception. You don’t want to have tables of less than 7 or more than 8-9. My daughter and I planned to spend the day together on August 7th, 3 weeks before the wedding, to decide on the seating, write out the escort cards, and create a chart of where the tables will be situated at the reception hall. There are 3 rooms the guests will be seated in (the reception is at a historic mansion), which also adds the complication of which rooms the guests will sit in. And the list goes on!
We’re giving people one more week to decide, and then that’s it!
Moral of the story: Be prepared to have to chase people down and give an early enough cut-off that if they don’t respond, you have time to chase them down!
On a bright note, my dress came in today and it looks great! It is chiffon, tea length, just below the knee, with a sweetheart neckline, fitted bodice, shear bolero cover for over my shoulders and upper arms (I don’t have the athletic arms I used to), and the color is a beautiful dark teal that shows off my blue eyes. I look forward to dancing in it! I was worried that I hadn’t lost the 5-10 pounds I wanted to lose, but the dress is actually a little loose and the bust line needs major taking in. Alteration appointment is on Saturday. I have great earrings to wear with the dress (Swarovski crystal from my hubby this Christmas) and a few friends have offered their necklace and bracelets to finish the set. I have great friends. When they ask, “Are you all set for the wedding?” I tell them it’s all the last little details still to finish.
Future posts: Head count for the rehearsal dinner. To send invitations or not to send invitations, that is the question. What do you think?
32 days to the wedding
July 27, 2010
My daughter is getting married and I’ve decided to try to blog each day to let brides and their moms know ahead of time the kind of things we end up dealing with the month prior to the wedding.
Yesterday Melissa and Chris went to town hall to apply for the license. Cost: $50. Today I picked it up (they have since gone back to their respective states of Massachusetts and Virginia while I hold down the fort in CT). The next time it gets handled is at the wedding when Father Peter signs it and makes the wedding official. Woo Hoo.
Also on the agenda, connecting with the non-rsvp’ers. We’ve received 110 of the 138 total invited. Looking forward to the final head count so we can start the seating arrangements.
One big headache for me as Mother of the Bride- I have a very large bedroom and we anticipate taking pictures there on the morning of the wedding. Soo….. That means I must de-clutter and make beautiful. I have purchased new curtains and a new dust ruffle for the bed (the old one matches the winter bedspread, not the summer one!). I must find a home for all the boxes of tax info, travel ideas, messy craft supplies on the bookshelf, not to mention the huge pile of winter socks I have on my dresser (I can’t stand cold feet in the winter.) I think it’s time for a bedroom clean-up session.
More tomorrow.
Monica
Results of survey
July 27, 2010
I was a vendor at a Bridal Show tonight and asked brides to fill out a survey to help me as I write my book. Twenty brides participated and were allowed to give multiple answers. Here are their responses:
Are there any key issues you are having (or anticipate having) trouble with as you plan your wedding? (check all that apply)
__5__ Having a different vision for the wedding than fiancé or parents
___10__Budget problems
___7__Guest list battles
___3__Staying organized
__10__Finding the right vendors
__5___Deciding on the ceremony/reception location
__6__Conflicts with or between family members or wedding party
___3__Disagreements with fiancé
___6__Picking my wedding dress
___8__Pressure from other people telling me what to do
___5__Not enough time to get things done
___6__Feeling overwhelmed
___3__Wedding party issues
[Not surprising that budget can cause the most issues. And on top of that, finding the right vendors who will help you have the wedding of your dreams (and fit in your budget!)]
Who is on your “planning team”? (professional planner (1), mom (8), sister (7), best friend (6), Fiance (4), family member (1)
[Most people had more than one person on her planning team, and one person had no one specifically.. She not surprisingly had a lot of items from the first question checked off. We all need a team supporting us.]
When it comes to stressful situations, what do you tend to do?
A Take it in stride (3)
B Take it out on others (4)
C Take time out to de-stress (5)
D Get tied up in knots inside(5)
E Avoid or procrastinate (5)
F Other write-ins: Eat, Get irritable, Relax and give to God
[Some people who wrote "Take it in stride," also took time out to de-stress and had less items of trouble in question one.]
So how do your answers compare to those listed?
If you are looking for help de-stressing or working on the key issues that have you troubled, just give me a call for a free consultation. Let’s see how I can help you enjoy the journey to your wedding day.
Thanks to all those who participated.
~Monica
33 days and counting!
July 26, 2010
Today’s post is written by my daughter:
Today my fiance Chris and I went to town hall and applied for our marriage license, we can pick it up tomorrow! We have been engaged since late October and are now only a little over a month away from the big day. Planning this wedding has been quite the odyssey; I live in Boston, the wedding is in southern CT where I grew up, and Chris lives in Alexandria, VA where I will be moving directly after the honeymoon. Today also marks the last time I will see Chris until the weekend of the wedding, I can’t believe that by then we will only be 24 hours away from being married! I feel like I’m at the last stage of a marathon: tying up loose ends, hounding late RSVP-ers, preparing to move and looking for a new job. Wish me luck!
~Melissa
Countdown to my daughter’s wedding
July 25, 2010
My daughter is getting married on August 28th so we decided to co-author a countdown with all the things we are doing leading up to the big day.
I thought I would start with all the things we’ve done in the last few weeks:
Melissa and her older sister (and decorator extraordinaire) Christine finalized what the centerpieces will look like (handmade of course). A raised ceramic cake plate with 20 gift boxes filled with salt-water taffy, cute ribbon and tags. In the center there will be a mounted post card of a Newport Mansion as the table identification, with a fun greeting from the bride and groom on the back. The platter will be surrounded by a ring of votive candles.
There will be a candy bar with dessert, so the jars were purchased and special old-fashioned candy was ordered, which is mostly all in now. We’re storing everything in the cool basement. I remember talking about this months ago and thinking we would wait to the last month to get the candy. And now that time is here!
I’ve started filling out the escort cards as the RSVP’s come in. We tested out 4 different pens to see which created the nicest look. My Catholic-school penmanship is coming in handy.
We’ve kept a running tally of responses and a close eye on who has reserved a hotel room so far- easy communication with our hotel contact. RSVP’s are due as of yesterday and we built in an extra week before the hotel block was closed (big rate difference). Now the chore of calling all the no-responses will start. Remember this the next time you are invited to a wedding-RSVP on time!
The table seating chore has begun. Who will sit with whom? And does each group of friends or family work out to the ideal table of 8? That is the question. And in most cases the answer is No!
Melissa went for her alteration appointment yesterday to get the bustle done on her wedding dress. Her cousin went with her and saw the dress for the first time. It has been deemed the perfect dress, and everyone who knows Melissa will agree.
Every week Melissa and I talk about what we did this week and what is left to do. One week at a time and according to our time line. This keeps us focused and un-stressed. Melissa is also lucky to have the most wonderful and gifted sister in the world. They both live near Boston and have weekly talks and planning sessions.
Tomorrow is a big day. Melissa and Chris head to town hall to apply for the wedding license. Chris had to come up from Virginia and Melissa down from Boston just to do this. CT has their own rules.
I’ll keep posting our progress. Pretty soon it will be the week of the wedding and the excitement level will really climb. For now we are just taking care of business!
What kind of stresser are you?
July 13, 2010
I’m noticing that different brides become anxious by different things. In order to reduce your stress, it is helpful to figure out what winds you up!
Are you a perfectionist, a worry wart, a busy body (and I mean that in the nicest way), a decision doubter, or a procrastinator?
The perfectionist worries about everything down to the last detail, often feeling the same amount of stress on everything with the same level of importance. If you are spending as much time worrying about the color of the ribbon on the party favor as you do the guest list, you can see how much energy this expends. At some point you have to learn to let go and be more at peace with things the way they are. Allow yourself an allotted amount of time or energy on the smaller items and then STOP. As you practice this strategy you’ll be able to make quicker decisions and move on!
The worry wart worries about things out of their control and way into the future. She worries about what will happen 6 months from now or 20 steps all at once. If you are clear on what is important to do right now, and that other things can be decided later, you will be able to sleep better at night. As my husband always says, “The way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.” Don’t worry about the smaller last-minute details till you get through the big decisions. Take it one “bite” at a time.
A busy body worries about everyone else’s business, including things no one can control like weather disasters. “The problem is that no one is taking care of your own business if you spend too much time on others.” ( per Byron Katie) You can only control YOU. Make sure your time and energy is spent on what you have control over and what is important for you to be doing. Be generous and accepting of others. If you micromanage your family and wedding party they will surely resent you.
The decision doubter second-guesses every choice and decision, sometimes to the point that she is stuck in limbo. She can’t make a decision because she fears it will be the wrong one. Do your work up front establishing your big picture vision for the day, and then hold each decision up to that vision. At some point you have to learn to trust your instinct and stop looking at more choices! You stopped looking at other guys -I hope. So stop worrying that there is a better dress, reception site or DJ than the one you found.
The procrastinator is putting off to tomorrow something she could do or decide today. This is often a way of avoiding something, perhaps a difficult conversation or hurting someone’s feelings. You might have to deal with a person you don’t like or spend time on the phone which you hate to do. Ask yourself this question, “How will it feel to have the thing done and over with?” More than likely you’ll be able to jump for joy with relief. And you’ll have to go through what ever it is you are avoiding anyway, so you’re not saving yourself by putting it off. Why not do it now and prevent a lot of anxiety and stress? Do the hardest thing first from your to-do list each day. You’ll feel so much better in the long run and gain confidence in your actions. Go for it!
Good luck identifying your style of stressing. Any questions just call me.
Monica
PS One reader feels I have simplified or generalized and I’m sure that is true. Not everyone will be able to associate with these specific stresser types. If there are other types of worriers, or if you have a comment or question, feel free to share it here.
What are your Must-Have’s
July 8, 2010
Every bride has some sort of vision for her wedding day (though it may change from week to week!) Unless you are a millionaire, there are bound to be parts of your dream wedding that will get nixed; The $10K wedding dress, the castle reception venue… Budget, circumstances, and differences of opinion are bound to throw you some roadblocks. One thing that is clear from all my experience so far, is the you have to prioritize your goals.
If everything about your wedding is important, nothing will feel really important, and you will be exhausted trying to defend every detail you deem necessary. Instead, take a step back and think about the 3-5 parts of the wedding that are most important to you- your Must-Have’s. They might include the type of ceremony, location of reception, your dress, the size of the guest list, or location of honeymoon.
How does your list compare to your fiance’s?
How does your list compare to your parent’s? (if they are a big influence)
This is where the negotiating comes in. So how do you handle the negotiations? It’s all a matter of expectations. I’m not saying to expect the worst. I AM saying to be reasonable and open to ideas from those who have influence on the decisions (Fiance, parents). Compare lists and be open-minded and fair. I know it is “YOUR” wedding, but it is the joining of two families that comprise more people than just you. If you can keep a positive attitude and be honest about your feelings with those involved with the planning, you will be more successful in creating a day that means so much to you.
And it’s not all about you! What can you do to make this a special day for your fiance and family? That is your gift to them and a way to decrease the drama in your life as well.
Now, think about the guests who will be invited. It is more important to be surrounded by the ones you love than to “fit” into a venue or be fed a feast. Once you have the size of the guest list figured out, you can see what your budget allows and the type of venues that will “fit the bill.”
When planning the biggest parts of the big day, such as reception venue and music, give yourself some time to check out all your options, but not too much time or they may get booked out from under you! Websites are a great resource, but remember there are vendors and venues that have not caught up with the world wide web. My daughter’s goal, historic venues, are often owned by towns or cities and are run by government agencies who are not web-saavy. Parks and Universities also offer options. For example, my daughter’s wedding reception was held at The Waveny House in New Canaan, CT and her sister found the site through a photographers site even though we googled Historic sites in CT.
Once you have a complete list of options it is time to make some decisions. Keep your must-haves at the forefront of your budget and your planning style and you will be happy with everything else that falls into place.
Happy Planning!