Dream the Dream, Then Book the Venue
May 31, 2010
You’re engaged! Congratulations.
Now what? How do you begin to set your wedding day in motion? I’ve learned about 3 ways to look at reality, which gives you three ways to help you design your plans and I want to share them with you; Essence, Dreaming, and Consensus Reality. Each of the 3 levels are distinctly different ways to look at the world around us; how we feel, think, see, and act.
The Essence level of reality is the level of feeling; excitement, fear, happiness, contentment, a gut instinct, whatever! It’s hard to even put it into words. So first ask yourself, what do you want your wedding day to feel like? A big party? An intimate spiritual connection? A blast from the past? A destination wedding? Will it be solemn, celebratory, spiritual, or swinging?What will bring you joy and inspire you to say, “This has been the best day of my life.”?
Close your eyes and dream the dream. Connect to the feeling of celebrating your love and all the possibilities that life will bring. Now you are in the second level of reality: Dreaming. Imagine you have endless opportunities to pick from. You’re already on the path that leads to saying, “I do.” Now you get to plan the many steps along the way to your big day, and your life beyond. Lay out all the possibilities, then make your choices. And don’t forget to include your fiance and family in your planning after you’ve had a chance to think about it.
When you are ready to set your decisions in motion, you are ready for Consensus Reality. This is the level where all the action takes place. This is the Do-ing phase. Create your goals, break them into steps and set a timeline for each step. Many wedding planning books have complete lists or countdowns of when things should get done by. They are a very helpful reference, but should not pressure you to rush into anything! Many brides start at this Do-ing phase before they’ve had some time to feel, think and dream about what they want their day to be like. Once you put things in motion and put down deposits, it is very hard to change your mind. So get to the essence and dreaming first! Once you’ve done that, the doing part will come much easier.
Here is an example of how my youngest daughter’s plans evolved: She wanted to feel relaxed, surrounded by family and friends that mean the most to her and her fiance, and have a fun party. Swing dancing was definitely in order! A medium-sized crowd (120 guests) would accommodate her large family and their closest friends. She knew she wanted to get married in our church and have the reception at a place that had some history and character-an old mansion or special hall. We started with a discussion about the budget, then figured how much we’d be able to spend on the reception site and catering. This guided us on the types of places that would fit in the budget. We also talked about how much we could take on (DIY) versus paying someone to do all the work. Now we knew the kind of caterer we would hire. Within two weeks of being engaged we found the perfect reception site and checked out their openings. Once we found which dates were available for the church AND the mansion, we picked a date.
Some things were more important than others, such as finding the right photographer who could create an album she would treasure forever. She had a particular flower that she liked for her bouquet, but didn’t need anything fancy at the church or the reception. Many of the details followed easily, once she had the framework all set.
I like to do things in a certain order too, starting with setting the budget and the date. You need to have an idea of your budget before anything can really be put into motion. Don’t set the date till you know where and when your ceremony AND reception will be (according to what is available)! And don’t do that till you have fair idea of the guest list. So the whole things starts there- with the budget, the guest list and the image of your reception.
Dream the Dream, then book the venue! (Not the other way around.)
Good luck!
What is an Empowered Bride?
May 21, 2010
If you look up the word “empowered” in the dictionary you’ll find words like authority, confidence, and assertive. When I think of an empowered bride, here is what I imagine:
An Empowered Bride can explore her wishes, express her feelings, make personal and joint decisions, negotiate compromises, build a supportive team, set goals and create a timeline that will lead to a joyful day. She has confidence in herself, is clear about what she wants, and is in harmony with all the people most important to her and her wedding. The empowered bride knows how to nourish herself and her relationships and knows how to get things done in a timely, organized and fun way. She has her expectations in check, is reaching for her dreams, and has a great perspective in knowing that her wedding day is just the beginning of a long and happy life together with her husband-to-be. In the end she will be able to enjoy herself with her family and friends and celebrate her love, feeling satisfied and blessed.
May you all be empowered in your journey to marriage!
Your Wedding Coach,
Monica
He Doesn’t Care if the Napkins Are Ivory or White!
May 21, 2010
Dear Brides,
I recently saw a very sad and bored groom at the rental facility and if his eyes could speak they said, “Get me out of here!” Meanwhile the bride and her mom looked thrilled and excited to be selecting the color scheme. This leads me to share a bit of advice:
Do yourself and your fiancé a BIG favor and ASK him what things mean most to him. Ask him in what way he wants to participate. Then let him off the hook for all the other stuff! Just because YOU are excited about picking out the table linens doesn’t mean that he is. And don’t judge him if he isn’t. (Most) Men don’t care if the napkins are ivory or white. You want your fiancé to get excited about the wedding day, not to dread all the trips to the local wedding vendors.
If you find that you are doing too much of the work, then divide and conquer. Make a list and each of you can pick a few items at a time to take care of. Create a timeline for completion of each task and check in regularly that you are on schedule. There are bound to be certain appointments that you should both be present for, but think ahead of time which ones they might be. If you can bring your mom or maid of honor to a few of them, it will give your groom a break. Save his presence for the important times when he really has an opinion!
My soon-to-be-married daughter suggests you find two or three things that your guy can get excited about and let him run with them. They might be the honeymoon, the limo, the tuxedo’s, the music. If your alarm just went off that you don’t trust his decisions, at least let him do the research! Let him have some fun. Learn to let go a little. I dare say, let him surprise you about a few things.
Remember, this is one day in your life. You have a whole lifetime of marriage ahead of you. What better time than now to trust each other and find out what each of you really cares about? If everything is important, nothing is important. Think honestly and carefully what is really important to you and where you want your fiance by your side. Then let the rest go.
Stress Buster for the Bride
May 7, 2010
Most anxiety comes when you are feeling out of control. You get rumblings in the pit of your stomach or your head starts to swirl. Perhaps you have so much on your plate you don’t even know where to start. If this is the case for you or a loved one, remember these three commands:
See it, Name it, A.D.D. It
1. See it: Recognize that you are feeling anxious or stressed. Maybe you are snapping at everyone about little nothings, or worrying about EVERYTHING but can’t put your finger on something specific.
2. Name it: Go through the last 24 hours and figure out what you are REALLY anxious about. It’s not necessarily the comment your mom just made, it could be that there are 20 more people coming to the wedding than you have room for or you have no idea where you are going to live after the wedding. Write down a list of everything that is causing you anxiety; wedding or not (it could be work, personal, finances, whatever).
3. A.D.D. It: This is a strategy I made up for my own life; Address it, Delegate it or Dismiss it
When you have an obstacle or an issue that is causing you anxiety, you have to think about whether or not there is anything you can do about it. If you are expecting a storm, you can’t tell God to stop the rain. But you can get prepared. Know what you are in control of. If you are worried about all the plans for the entire wedding and your head is swimming, pick the top priority issues and go through the A.D.D. strategy:
Address It: option #1. In a nutshell, here is the gist of any good goal setting: Look at your issue. Brainstorm options, then pick the best choice. Break it down into steps with realistic deadlines for each step. Make a list of to-do’s and do them in priority order. Consider if having an important conversation with someone is the real issue. We tend to avoid doing things that we expect to be difficult. And we often assume things that aren’t necessarily so. Therefore, the answer to addressing something might just be to find out more information from the source instead of assuming! (Example: I assume my mom is expecting me to wear her wedding dress and I think it is awful so instead of talking to her about it, I put off buying my dress or even bringing up the subject). Hiding from an issue is NEVER the solution. If addressing it yourself is not the best option, go to option # 2.
Delegate It: option #2. Decide whether there is something someone else can or should do about it. Your fiance, your Maid of Honor, your mom or possibly one of your wedding vendors can be the first places to start. Try not to expect to take care of everything. If you can delegate it, delegate it. You will have more than enough to deal with and many of your loved ones are really trying to shoulder some of your burdens. Be sure to share your expectations to the person you are delegating to.
Dismiss it: If you decide you don’t want to address it or delegate it out, then dismiss it. It helps to learn to let go of things, especially if they are something you don’t have any control over. Byron Katie talks about staying focused on “your own business,” not “other people’s business or God’s business.” Just like the impending storm- you may not be able to stop the rain, but you can embrace it and go with the flow. Rain is a good omen on a wedding day anyway. I am living proof. It poured on our wedding day, and we’ve been married almost 30 years!
Learn to Dance in the Rain!
Hello world!
May 7, 2010
Hello Brides,
Welcome to The Empowered Bride.
If you are looking for help to get you through the journey of planning your wedding while also building your relationships, you’re in the right place. I am a wedding coach- which combines life coaching, relationship coaching, event planning skills, and experience as Mother of the Bride (X 2) as well as Mother of the Groom. My goal is to help every bride to feel empowered, which to me means having a sense of control in her life, feeling comfortable in her changing life, clear on her vision for the wedding day, and real harmony in all her relationships.
You can contact me at Monica@newstepslifecoaching.com or call 203-209-5462. I have worked with brides from California to Istanbul. No issue is too little or too big to tackle. I will be posting blogs from time to time about wedding issues. You can also write to me about issues and I’ll write a blog answer back.
Happy wedding day and the life beyond!
Monica