Life Transitions After the Wedding
September 21, 2010
Life Transitions, they come in many shapes and sizes. Sometimes it’s small adjustments to a new boss, a friend moving away, or a new social situation. With a wedding, it is usually much more dramatic. It affects not only you, but your spouse, your parents, siblings, and so on.
I am spending a lot of time thinking about my daughter’s recent transition as a new bride. She got married a few weeks ago, went on her honeymoon, then moved 400 miles to another state leaving her friends and her job behind in Boston. Now she has lots to do to reestablish her life, like changing her name, her car insurance, looking for a job, etc. Talk about a big transition.
She and her husband never lived together prior to the wedding (yes, there are people who actually still do that). So on top of the move, establishing a new identity and looking for a job, she is adjusting to having a new life partner and roommate. They seem to be doing real well, working together to help Melissa get settled in their new home. My son in law, Chris, works a 4 day work week so that helps. He’s is a great guy. As a wedding gift, he has planned a series of day trips and short vacations to explore her new home state of Virginia.
Their transition together consists of establishing new roles (outer roles) such as who will do the cooking, cleaning, paying the bills, and taking out the garbage. Some roles will be shared and some will be more or less assumed or assigned. Post-Wedding Transitions also include more subtle adjustments (inner roles) such as who will organize free time or social activities, being “the responsible one”, and being the “fun one.” If one person always carries the responsibility of a certain role; inner or outer, they can get tired of it, so beware of “role nausea” and change things up every once in a while. If no one assumes an important role like paying the bills or cleaning the house, or even being “the fun one,” trouble will ensue. If you notice a role not occupied, have a discussion about how to fill it. If you’re starting to resent a role, it’s time to try something new.
When you are thinking about how your life will change after you get married, be sure to have a conversation about roles and then build in some time to adjust. Be prepared for the feelings that will come up. You have a new identity, a new role to play. You’ll probably have a little post-wedding let-down as well. Your life has been focused for so many months on ONE main goal- the wedding. Now your brain has to let go of that and think about what comes next. (Hopefully you have thought about that a little already.)
No matter where you are in the wedding process (one week away, 6 months away), take some time now to think about how you would like things to be after the wedding. Really think about it. Best case scenario. How do you want your relationship to be? What roles do you visualize that will need filling? What expectations do you have? Then TALK about it together. Never assume, and never leave your expectations undiscussed. That is a sure fire way to set your partner up for failure. The most carefree and enjoyable relationships still take awareness and a bit a of planning. Don’t leave your happiness up for grabs.
Please share what roles are the hardest to fill, the most fun, the most unexpected. I’d love to see what all the brides-to-be are thinking!
The next post will be about the parent/child transition during and after the wedding.
Comments
3 Responses to “Life Transitions After the Wedding”
Got something to say?
interesting, thanks
I like the way you encourage us to look to our life after the wedding. It reminds me that the marriage is more important than the wedding day and we can think about how we want things to be once we are married.
Thanks!
I understand A lot of what you are saying